» Wednesday, May 25, 2005

I woke up abruptly last Saturday morning
when reindeer burst into my room without warning.
They threw over my pants and said "Put these on."
They forced me outside to their sleigh, we were gone
in mere moments, in flight, and we sailed 'cross the sky.
I wondered aloud if they meant me to die,
and the reindeer in back - I think he was Max -
gave me some coffee, told me to relax.

"We're not taking you anywhere you wouldn't go,
so sit back, have your drink and enjoy the free show."
I didn't appreciate his devil-may-care
but beggars aren't choosers half a mile in the air.

We flew on, through low clouds, over birds, past the sun
It got brighter and hotter, my wristwatch read one
when we began the descent over sparkling water.
Stomach quaked, my eyes closed, caller ID showed my daughter.

I froze for a moment, fearing equipment confusion,
but avionics aren't present in Reindeer Intrusion.
My daughter was sheepish. "Hi dad," she began,
and I knew with no doubt who was behind this whole plan.

"Merry christmas?" she said, like it was a question.
"I think I messed up." A rather mild expression,
I thought as we flew, with my feet over ocean,
my heart and my gut in a violent commotion.

"What did you do," adding warily,"Honey?"

"Um, well, you see, Dad, I really needed some money.
And I couldn't ask you - it was for your gift!
I thought I'd just borrow and pay it back quick!"

"Mmmhmm?" I gritted my teeth in reply,
suppressing the nausea I get when I fly.

"Well, my friends were all broke, Uncle Jim-jim won't help me
And apparently the mob won't pay out under twenty,
so I thought I could just go right to the source,
but I think my idea went slightly off course."

We hung up when I promised to tend to her cause.
I said grimly to Max, "Deer, take me to Claus."

I met with the man, I emptied my pockets,
gave him all that I had and he gave me toy rockets.

"Rockets??" I said. "Like I had as a kid,"
I mused, and I saw what the little dear did.

The deer took me home and I grounded my child,
though I think my punishment was incredibly mild.
The lesson she learned was hardship enough:
Santa's made of some dangerous stuff.

» Monday, May 09, 2005

6 overwhelmingly musical questions by Jon, 6 answers by me

1. What's the first album you remember being given? What was the first album you bought with your own money?
It all depends on how literally I take the question. I remember owning Thriller, but it's just as likely that it was my brother's record. I remember buying The Beatles 1967-70 on cassette, and though I later stole it for myself, it was technically a gift for Andy. The first clear memory of not just owning, but receiving music was in 1988, when a friend gave me Green by R.E.M. The first album I bought for myself was... oh, let's see. Peter, Paul & Mary's Greatest Hits?

2.You're given the chance to sing any song with any backing in any venue in the world. What, where and with whom do you want to perform?
My stage fright is so potent that just reading this question makes my chest tight. You see now, don't you, why I hid my voice in a box and shoved it under the bed with the dust bunnies and empty soda cans? In spite of that, I'd sing "At Last" with a full orchestra, if I could fit a full orchestra and a few close friends in my shower. If not, I'd settle for a smoky bar and a handful of people who'd love me even if my mouth dried up and not a sound came out. Not that that's ever happened... in the perfect world that exists in my mind.

3. What religious figure's ass would you most like to kick (doesn't have to be biblical, just religious)?
The PAP - Protestant American Pope, sometimes known as The Great Reuniter of Church and State, O Holy President, son of God. I'd short-sheet The Zinger, too, if I got a bonus turn.

4. In a world where no one is mocked for their name, what would you name your children?
I don't think the names I'd choose are more than usually vulnerable to attack. I shun the outlandish — there will be no Sharmonica among my progeny, if you were concerned. I've wanted to name my girl Zoë for about as long as I can remember. Until the movie came out, it was to be Zoë Amelie. In a world where no one would ask if I'd named my daughter after a saucer-eyed imp, that would still be it. If I have a son, I'm not really sure. Maybe Frankenstein.

5. What songs makes you shiver and tear up every time you hear them?
September Song (as sung by Willie Nelson - my grandparents' song), You Needed Me (as sung by Anne Murray - my parents' song), Mad World (as sung by Gary Jules) and Philadelphia (Neil Young). If I need a cry and I'm having trouble getting the first tear rolling, I put on Mad World or Philadelphia - or I sing the first couple bars of September Song or You Needed Me. That's as far as I ever get.

6. What song scares you most by perfectly expressing a moment in your life?
"Fast as You Can" by Fiona Apple or "Two Points" by Deb Talan or "Breakable" by Fisher

» Wednesday, May 04, 2005

5 questions by Maria, 5 answers by me...

1. If you were handed a blank check that had to be used solely for travel, how would you spend it?
I would encourage a very few of my most compatible friends to take as much vacation time as they could afford, and pay for us to go to New Zealand and live like hobbits. But really rich and indulgent hobbits. And then to Japan, where we would live like hobbits who are in Japan.

2. What's with all the Bs (Brooke, Boston, Baltimore...) If you had to move to another B, where would you go?
Brooklyn, baby. My namesake is calling me home.

3. Do you feel a wolf-ish affinity with Remus in Harry Potter? Or does he have it all wrong?
I felt he was my brethren.

4. New England Lobstah or Maryland Crabs?
Neither, since I don't much care for shellfish things, but New England seafood over any other, for all time.

5. Nerd or Geek? Explain why.
I was a smarty-pants in my school days, but I was never quite a nerd. I had an aversion to homework and studies that was distinctly unnerdly. A geek for sure, but that specific kind - a pop culture geek, I guess. An ironic t-shirt-wearing, indie-band-loving, hobbit-referencing geek.

» Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Here we go again!!

5 questions by Lauren, 5 answers by me...

1. If you could have any job in the world what would it be?
I would like to work for the Weekly World News, writing articles and photoshopping the face of Bat Boy into new and exciting locations. Equally badly, I want to write for The Simpsons or Sassy Magazine. You know, if Sassy Magazine still existed. Hey, you didn't say it had to be this world.

2. If you were on the plane on the show Lost, where would live? The caves or the beach? Why?
I'd move to the caves with Jack, because his air of capability soothes me. I'm a born follower.

3. If you had to pick your favorite pet ever which one would it be?
My brownest neen, my labby queen, the chocolate Dylan of my heart. Please do not tell Toast or the others.

4. If you could spend a month living anywhere in the world where would that be?
Rome, please.

5. If you had a superpower, what would it be? What would you call yourself?
I'd like to read minds, but I fear what I'd learn. I'd like to fly, but I fear heights. I think either I'd teleport, or have the ability to unfurl my teeth out long and use them for weapons. I'd be called Omni or The Fang, respectively.

» Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Quote of the week:

Ranjit: "Ha! Your resume makes you sound like a big nerd, but you're so not!"

Oh, aren't I, though? Aren't I?