On the subject of first kisses:
Brooke: It was summer camp and his name was Marlin. Marlin. With an 'i', like the fish, not like Brando. His middle name was Popeye. His last name... McFate. McFate. The kiss sucked.
Ryan: (hysterical laughter) But you had to kiss him. It was your McDestiny. It was written in the McStars!
Priscilla: Ryan, breathe.
Ryan: It was (more hysterical laughter)... MCPROPHESIED!!!!
Priscilla: What happened?
Brooke: I was 13, and he was, like, 6'2". I'd never kissed a boy before and he was ostensibly a pro. I was (neck motions to indicate great straining upwards) trying to reach his head, and he grabbed me and (forcibly twisting own face to one side) said "You have to tilt your head." And then it sucked.
Ryan: "This really hurts, 'cause you're like 7,000 feet taller than me. But I have to kiss you. Because it's my... MCFATE!!!! (more hysterics)"
Brooke: And the worst part was, he tasted like dirt.
Ryan: Was he eating cilantro?*
Brooke: Oh my god, YES. You have cleared up an ancient mystery. Marlin Popeye McFate was an avatar of cilatro.
So there you have it, the story of my first kiss.
* It is a well-known fact within my circle of friends that I hate cilantro with the white hot passion of a thousand burning suns. It is horrible and tastes of dirt. Ryan disagrees passionately.
Side note: in trying to figure out how to include this piece of information without disturbing the flow of the narrative, Ryan and I considered many options. When I mentioned the use of an asterisk, Ryan informed me that it was, and I quote, "The best idea [I've] had. (pause) Ever." Great.
Addendum, 8/31/04: In defense of Marlin, he was also 13 at the time. I'm sure I was also dreadful. I've no doubt that he's grown up into a marvelous adult person with perfectly lovely dating skills. Frankly, I wouldn't know, since I haven't seen him in 15 years. Thank you for asking, and good day.